It has been some time now that I have been looking for a way to define myself. This is a fairly common thing to do, I believe, as so few of us have any idea of both who we are and our purpose.

I believe there is a way to define ourselves, each and every one of us. Perhaps it is impossible to describe in english or any other language, but I believe that one thing exists nevertheless. It can be a single thing, an action, a place, but it is the one thing that truly allows you to know, for certain, that you are alive. Because in this moment, you live.

While things may come to mind, such as perhaps "I love a good game of tennis," tthings like that bring only base and animal satisfaction; they do not bring a sense of purpose - a uniquely human idea. I've little doubt that there are those who do find themselves defined by the game, the small green ball and it's flight, but most of us will find it no more than a pastime.

I walked this morning along a long and silent street, on my way to school. I stuck on this familiar theme of autodefinition and I made my realization. I have no choice but to define myself as a soldier. Many would look at this with suprise, as it may seem that this doesn't fit me at all. But it's true. It absolutely defines me, ow I think about things, and how I view myself.

"A soldier?! What are you going to do alex? Join the fucking army?"

I sigh.

It's not like that at all. Again, it's this thing that defines me, and really, I'm not sure any of us can truly explain this to any other man who defines himself in a different way. Looking back over the years of my life, I can see this underlying theme. I analyze tactical terrain advantages and just about everything else I see whithout thinking about it.

There's something unique and special about being defined as a soldier as opposed to being employed by an army. While these "soldiers" are indeed fighting men, they probably don't all regard it as their life's calling. America's army actively advertises to the effect of a "one man army." This disgusts me but embodies the very essence of American life today: selfishness.

A true soldier faces a horrible rtial of self. He longs for battle but longs for peace as well. He knows he can only truly live as long as he has a battlefield on which to fight, but is saddened by the destruction war, and he himself cause. There's an excellent quote to this effect in Gundam Wing, but I can't find it.

I can define myself as a soldier, yes, but now I may go further, to say that I am a soldier without a war. This is the curse of the soldeir, to wander, forever searching for a reason to fight.

"In the heat of battle it ceases to be an idea or a flag for which we fight. Rather we fight for the man on our right or left. When the years fall away all that remains are the memories of those precious moments we spent side by side." -The four feathers