How things change. It irritates me how much my plans swing around.

When I wrote long ago of my plans to do humanitarian work, I had good reasons. I told myself I'd never be able to forgive myself if I did any other thing. I also told myself I'd end up changing my mind, but that I couldn't let myself. Well, guess what happened.

First I went off on my film school tangent, which, frankly, I would love to do...but I just can't. What I've decided is more important. Some day maybe.

Then most recently my bike trip. Which isn't exactly taking the place of the plans, but delays them a while, which isn't so good. 6 years of med school is a while, and I'd like to get it over with as fast as I can.

So, I'm back on track.

I was talking about crazy complex plans a while back- making this and that. Way to much work. It's a pretty simple plan. Go. Study medicine. Graduate. Work in the field. It's not hard, and there's a hell of a lot of work to do. Famine in Niger, Sudanese refugees going to Chad, refugees from Chad going to Sudan, Afghanistan, DRC, Georgia, still picking up the mess from the tsunami, and more come every year.

Every time I see this film or that film, I know I've got to do relief work. I have to. I can't even explain it.

Then when I talk to some people or read something, or ... anyway, I really really want to go study film and arrrrg. It hurts. But I just can't do it.

And that's not the only thing that hurts. I've got a year left in high school, right? And after that, I'm not just heading to UWM, or even to another school across the country, I'm leaving. Up and out. Overseas, faraway. I probably won't see most of these people again. I think I can deal with that for some of my friends, but it's the people that I don't know well that make me sad. I've spent the last two years not getting to know the people I wanted to get to know. And I feel like such an ass for it. Half of them are graduating this year, and I really won't see them ever again most likely, and the other half, well, a year isn't much time when you're looking at bailing out of the civilized world afterwards.

It'd be so easy to say, "fuck the world, I'm going to college like everyone else." And I'd probably be pretty happy. I'd worry about all the things other people worry about, and maybe live a life a bit more interesting that some. But now that I've considered just once, going to do humanitarian work, I would kill myself daily if I did anything else. How selfish would that be, I tell myself, to think to myself, "I should help these people" and then say "no, I'd rather do something else."

And I know I'd be happy with relief work, I really would. I'd love to live in the middle of nowhere making things a little better, but everytime I think of the people I left behind, and indeed the people I didn't even get a chance to leave behind, I know I'll doubt myself. That's something I must never do.

And now I'll be heading home (touchdown in Milwaukee July 6), and I dread living in the US, because I know I'll lose sight of my goal. The states do that, they make everything seem like it's not so bad after all. But it is, it is. And sitting here, I know this. How can I explain this? Damn.